Its not 3 am but it sure feels like it

To everyone reading,  I wish i had the answers to give you but I’m searching just as you are. I have not been as consistent as i would like to be on this blog because im spending time brainstroming on how i can make this blog more personalised and more enjoyable not only for readers but to me.

Nothing’s worse than feeling stuck     there’s so much bad in world and sometimes I feel so much guilt for feeling the way I do about any inconvience that is caused to my life. There’s always that voice at the back of my mind teling me to stop over reacting, that there is people in so much worst….and there is but my emotions are real and there is nothing i can do to stop them but it all comes down to me being scared… of losing this passion that I’m not sure I’ve even found yet.

Is there something out there for me? how will i find it?

To whoever reads this… I hope you do what truly makes you happy. Always run towards your passion even when you do something else for a living. To those whose work are their passions.. I’m 100% sure you will be okay in whatever it is that comes before you.

Racial divisons and hypocrisy about whites.


I am a person of color and that is honestly a weird thing for me to type because it literally doesn’t matter. Most of us look at people and see- people while most of us also liked to be looked at in the same way. So why can’t we just see people? There’s 2 things on this topic that truly bothers me.

 1. Most people of color ask whites to see them as equals but yet people of color constantly divide themselves from whites. For this one, I hope you guys understand what I’m trying say here. People of color do exactly what they don’t want to be done to them. They post skits such as “mexicans vs white: holiday edition” or “Things white think of indians” but whites are immediately slammed for doing the same. truly hypocritical.  Is it hard for us all to just act as equals for once?

2. Slavery was such a horrific time for colored people. They were beaten, raped and forced to work. They had no control over their lives and families but Those whites  aren’t the same people living in today’s society. They shouldn’t be responsible for what their ancestors did- Their ANCESTORS should be. Same thing goes for the other party, They should’nt be treated without worth and self respect.

I’m not sure racism will ever fully come to a halt but I can only hope that one day it does. 


I know this is a very heavy topic so I just want to make sure that readers understand that I in no way support slavery or being prejudicial to  anyone because of their skin color. I mean well and hope we can all accept eachother.


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5 ways to handle your anxiety

Now, learning handling your anxiety is something that takes time BUT it is possible, I assure you of this and I’m going to tell you about the ways I do so.

  • Pick an item and focus on its detail

Whenever you feel like there’s just too much going on in your head and there’s that loud pounding in your chest just look around- or don’t.

Look at your hands and study the lines and your nail beds. Study that lovely crafted table.

It is important that you do this because it allows you to take back control of your mind by ignoring every other thought that is bombarding you.


This is something I really neglected because it just seemed too simple but now I do it all the time.

Take  a nice slow breath and exhale through your mouth. Breathe from your diaphragm.

Trust me, sometimes all it takes is a moment to sink into the moment.

  • Keep clear of unnecessary anxious moments

Now I know its not entirely possible to avoid those moments but you do have some control. This is something I have repeatedly traced.

Watching a movie or reading a book can trigger so much when the suspenseful music starts playing .

Believe me, I’ve been there. Try to take breaks- a lot. remind yourself that its all in your head and there’s nothing to be anxious about.

Those breaks between shows were a miracle for me and it’ll be for you too!

  •  Give your body the nutrients it deserves 

There’s many research and articles that proves that nutrition plays a big part in mental health like this one.

When I stopped taking my supplements for 6 months. I became agitated,tired and felt weak.

Just 2 weeks of taking fish oil capsules and daily multivitamins, I felt like a whole new person.

So make sure you take your supplements. Nurture your body and it will repay you

  • Meditation music/ hypnosis for anxiety

This is something that I’m still new to but boy I love it already. I listen sleep hypnosis for anxiety.

This is great because it’s just allowing your mind to do tap into its subconscious and work on your anxiety as you sleep.

Best part is, you will always wake up the next day filled with relaxation and inner peace.

Check here for my favorite sleep hypnosis YouTube channel and here for meditation music.



My love-hate relationship with my brown skin.

This post isn’t about racism but it will be about how much i have been battling to fully accept that I am a female of color and I do have a chocolate brown complexion.

Let me back up a bit.

I am from Guyana, South America and I am of Indian and European descent. My complexion is about dark brown. Everyone skin color varies but just like everywhere else on the planet it seems like a lighter complexion is the “perfect”. I always heard the typical sayings while growing up…”Always stay in the house”…”You shouldn’t be in the sun too long, you’re a female and you don’t want to get any darker” phf! Whatever that means *rolls eyes*

Now, I believe all skin color should be appreciated but I feel like my emotions are constantly contradicting my believes. Its stupid if you think about. Its stupid that someone has to be insecure about the way they literally born. We aren’t talking about weight or hair length or anything that’s always changing. We are talking about the color of our skin here and it saddens me that I feel insecure about it and its even more sad that I wasn’t encouraged to love myself during my first few years. It took me years to realize that I feel the way i do. My only question now is why we think beauty has a limited standard? Do we always need to compete and belittle the other? It just makes me wonder… will society always look at the different as inadequate? We all should be accepted from the palest pale to pitch black.

I have been trying to accept myself as the beautiful, smart female that I am. No one, regardless of their complexion should be insecure. No one should tell people how or why they should’ve looked. So to anyone out there, feeling like they aren’t enough because of the way you are born….you aren’t alone but you aren’t no less either ❤

Addiction and it’s effect on mental health

Sorry I haven’t been writing much this past week. I was so busy and got caught in a whirlwind. Addiction still has some stigma attached to it. I’ve seen this mostly in the older generations. I’ve heard people joke about addiction. “they could stop if they want”…”get over it” and I cant help but think, addiction is way more than just needing whatever it is that you need. It is a constant craving. A feeling that convinces someone they cannot live without a substance- or even a person.

I would know. I was addicted to drugs. People often don’t share the depth of their feelings and actions during this time so I thought I’d share mine through multiple posts.

My dad’s side of the family has struggled a lot with addiction and that was something I should’ve taken into consideration when “exploring” with drugs because family history is no joke. I used in a happy setting- to relax and escape when life got too hard but eventually, I began using to take the edge off for the slightest reasons. This was when things started to go downhill. My mood- my mental stability or lack thereof was so dependent on drugs.

Whenever I felt sad, I ran towards drugs without thinking or maybe I didn’t want to. It was like I was stuck in some alternate universe, where nothing in my life felt right without using. It was the most traumatic moment of my life. Was I that weak I couldn’t stop myself? It felt like my happiness was only around when I was high and looking back, that was absolutely not true but in the moment it felt that way. Luckily, i was strong and I did my best to get out of that situation. It was the hardest,yet best decision i made for myself. It look a lot of failures to become sober but I did it!

I didn’t get into the mental health aspect as much as i would like but I will in the next post so please stick around, follow and like.

Book review: To kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee

A timeless classic…

This book is no stranger to most of us. We’ve written papers on it in school or just read it in our adult lives. Right off the bat, some people say this book is too “controversial” and in my personal opinion, this book is literally just reflecting how life is.So it isn’t controversial just reality

In this book review, I’m obviously writing on my personal opinion. In literate, every point of view can be validated. This is the first time I’m writing a review so please comment what i can do to improve . It would be such a big help! Enjoy.

What is this book about?

This book about a man and his two children living during the great depression. The children learn valuable life lessons through their father, neighbor and a few other events that seem subtle but hold deep conflict and moral values. More specifically, the title is a metaphor. It means killing one’s innocence. This would reflect the event of a trial that is based on prejudice , leading to convicting an innocent man.

The point of view and the author

The story is told through a child’s point of view. That child would be Scout, the tomboyish daughter. Lee did an excellent job by using Scout.It allows us to tap into OUR inner innocence so the events seems to feel as if we too are experiencing them. We get to see how much she is affected by the decision of her father and community. In one event, Scout is mocked by classmates because her father, a white man, is defending a black in court. Scout is confused and cannot understand why they would have an issue would that. Here is where her wise and open-minded father tells her not to bother with them.

Final thoughts

Now, I tried my best not to go into details about this book because it’s best to enjoy it and appreciate it for what it is- a perfect book. This book is by far my favorite. It affects me in such a positive way and it reminds me to continue to be humble and be just spread love into this world and be accepting as I can be. I recommend this book to anyone who I know. i CANNOT EXAGGERATE ENOUGH HOW GOOD IT IS, The author definitely did a good job when it comes to connecting with readers. The themes and messages were portrayed perfectly

Bullied for having trichotillomania?

It took me five tries to spell trichotillomania. I have it but I’m not used to saying ,typing or writing it’s name.

I have trich. I wasn’t professionally diagnosed but no one just plucks hair off of themselves. I don’t need to be diagnosed.

The first time I can remember plucking

I was probably in 8th grade. I plucked a few times, not alot of hair but I didn’t know what I was doing had more depth than just loosing hair. It went on a couple times till one day half of each brow had gone. I was blackout episodes I didn’t know when I plucked but I know I did. My family asked and I lied I said I scratch them too hard. Lame excuse right ? Lol. It continued like this a lot.


I never see people online posting about being bullied for plucking. Must be because we such a good job at hiding it. When I first plucked so much I was left with two halves of two brows. I was scared. I was kid that didn’t understand what I did of why. And I always didn’t understand makeup, so I was unable to mask them .

Luckily, no one treated me badly for my pkucking. No one could figure out why I plucked( which they didn’t know I did, I’d always say it was freak accidents) but there was this one girl in my class. She noticed one day. And started to laugh and kept on loudly asking what was going on. That drew alot of attention to me. And I froze . I cried when I got home .it was the worst feeling in the world .


It’s not mystery. My trich was stemmed from my anxiety. Looking back,I always had anxiety growing up. I was just not aware of these issues. Lately, I’ve been very anxious and that was caused me to pluck toto t extreme (I only pluck brow and lashes,by the way). two weeks ago, I didn’t have any hairs on either, now they’ve started to grow bk. I’m very determined on trying to handle my trich better because it’s frustrating to continuously hide and be insecure. I’ve gotten comfortable to my hair loss but there’s still a part of my terrified.

What helps me:

I’ve tried everything.

The using a hat to restrain urself from getting to the hairs. The thinking about what am I feeling.nothing worked.. fortunately, lately I’ve realized that once my brows and lashes are covered in some time imof oil, it almost feels soothing. So I keep a bottle of castor oil by my bed and I apply it to the hairs every night. If I skip one night, I have a blackout and pluck all over again .so make sure to keep the oil where you’ll always see and remember to apply it.

Please. If anyone has trichotillomania. Don’t be afraid to reach out to me. I am no professional but we can talk about it. To some people, just losing some hairs off of body isn’t an issue…but it’s more than that. It’s the feeling of being scared, embarrassed, insecure, anxious. It’s the feeling of constantly worrying if people can see that Ur missing hair .it takes up alot in the thought process and on our emotions. It will all be okay though ❤️

I believe….but yet

I believe that I’m doing a good job at dealing with my emotions. I believe that somehow I’ve managed to forgiven him and everyone else.

But yet, everything feels so distant. Is it just an involuntarily relapse of my somewhat suppressed feelings?

I aspire to achieve alot in my life. My dad is an alcoholic and mom grew up not knowing about the bonds of having a family. If anything, I want to be different when it comes to my career, friends, family.

I never ever want to repeat the mistakes they made when I was growing up and I hope my kids won’t suffer emotionally and mentally the way I’m suffering. I spend half my days filled with angst with it comes to my parents. I blame them for everything I feel, everything I’m not, everything I’m failing to be.

What should I do? How to come finally come to terms with these feelings? It’s so easier said than done and everything I move a step forward.. I crash, and I fall three steps lower than where I begin.

I’ve been doing my become better . And I hope things go well. I hope I can be different because I don’t think I can continue to wallow in negative emotions…

11.10 pm

It’s sad. Everything is. It’s terrible that we have to humans have to constantly validate ourselves through appearances. I hear people say “where’s the humanity gone?” But on the contrary, did we ever have any?

I’m not fully educated to say but these are obviously just my opinion. Have we ever had any sort of humanity ?? We are flesh and blood but yet seem to act like lifeless metal- tough,dead,cold.

We’ve always put tangible profits Infront of the important things. The only difference from now and I don’t know, the 19th century is that we are constantly learning new and foolproof ways to gain these said profits.

Do we not see that our animals are dying? That the earth is become to clustered and tired? Or do we not care enough? The sad thing is, even if a few of us do see this…what can be done? How’s an army of say 3 million gonna stand in the way of powers who feed those 3 million mouths? It’s sad and terrible to think about. And I wish. I wish I could do more

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